Relationships & Adults With ADD

ADD stands for Attention Deficit Disorder. ADD is often thought of as a child's disorder. The truth is, adults suffer from ADD, too. Adults with ADD may have a harder time in relationships than adults without. Partners of adults suffering from ADD may have a variety of complaints regarding communication. This is all especially true if the ADD is untreated or unknown.

The Problems

• According to Gina Roberts-Gray of Everyday Health, "ADD has a definite impact on a romantic relationship." When a partner suffers from ADD, both partners commonly face communication problems. According to Roberts-Gray, friction and anger are often the result of ADD in a relationship. Forgetfulness, lack of focus, difficulty listening, being easily distracted, anxiety, obsessiveness and clumsiness are all symptoms of adult ADD. If the above symptoms are the main cause for arguments in a relationship it is possible that one or both partners are suffering from adult ADD.

Viewpoints of the Partner With ADD

• The partner with ADD may experience guilt related to constantly forgetting important tasks, events, dates and chores and for not focusing on, or listening to, her partner. She may find it hard to concentrate when her partner is talking. She may be confused when her partner reminds her of something she doesn't remember hearing. She may feel she's constantly being blamed, or being the victim of anger and resentment. She most likely will not understand why her partner is upset with her. Her day is often filled with anxiety and obsessive thoughts about everything she's stressed about. She may feel defensive when being criticized, then guilty when she blows up over the criticism. An adult with ADD may feel like the constant victim and will most likely be confused by her partner's complaints. She may wish to change her behavior but might feel hopeless because she doesn't know how to change.

Viewpoints of the Partner Without ADD

• The partner without ADD may resent having to finish chores and tasks his partner promised she would complete. He may feel hurt when his partner forgets something he told him just yesterday. He may feel like his partner doesn't listen to him, or that she only cares about herself. According to Roberts-Gray, "If they're ongoing, these common scenarios can exasperate the partners of ADD/ADHD adults, who may label their spouses as lazy, careless, or disrespectful." Partners of adults with ADD may feel they are never heard, respected or valued. The partner of an adult with ADD may wish to communicate but may feel that his partner doesn't even realize what she is doing wrong. He may feel like he is constantly being blamed for his partner's actions.

What the Partner With ADD Can Do

• Educating herself about her disorder is one of the best things an adult with ADD can do for her relationship, according to Roberts-Gray. Admitting what you are doing wrong in a relationship but recognizing that it is due to the disorder can eliminate your guilt but also show your partner that you realize what he is going through. Tell your partner what your symptoms are and discuss educational materials explaining the disorder. Ask your partner to help you remember events, to be patient and to repeat what he said if it seems like you weren't listening. Write notes for yourself. Keep a calendar and a planner nearby at all times. Before talking to your partner about a serious issue, think about why you are feeling the way you are and plan out how to present it to him. If you feel defensive during a conversation, tell your partner you need to take a break, then return to it when you are calmer. If you have trouble expressing your feeling to your partner, write them down like a script. Seek medical attention and discuss with your doctor how you can treat your ADD. Medication may be necessary.

What the Partner Without ADD Can Do

• Educate yourself about your partner's disorder. Recognize that she's not making you upset, but rather the symptoms of a disorder that is not her fault. Ask questions about the disorder and discuss the symptoms with your partner. Come up with ideas that can help your partner cope with her disorder. When she says she needs a break from the conversation, give her some time. Help your partner remember things by repeating information, leaving notes and writing important dates on the calendar. Repeat things you think your partner did not hear. Tell your partner you understand it is not her fault. Be patient and wait for treatment to work.