How to Cope With a Spouse With ADHD

Living with a spouse who suffers from ADHD is emotionally exhausting and can be very demanding on your time and your patience. Learning how to cope with your spouse's ADHD is imperative to the success of your relationship. Remember, your spouse is feeling the same emotions you are: neglected, hurt, impatient, unloved, unappreciated and scared. You may also feel guilt or shame for how you're coping with your spouse's ADHD. It's not an easy journey, but by remembering how important you are to each other and learning some key ways to cope, you can maintain a healthy, loving relationship with a spouse who suffers from ADHD.

Instructions

• 1

  Understand adult ADHD, and recognize the symptoms your spouse exhibits. Adults with ADHD may suffer from symptoms that have serious consequences, such as under-performing at work, losing or quitting jobs frequently, trouble handling every day tasks like paying bills or doing housework, forgetting important appointments or dates, and getting frustrated and angry over insignificant things. Your spouse may also suffer from chronic stress. The more you understand these symptoms, the easier it will be for you to cope. For example, if you can recognize that your spouse forgot your anniversary because of ADHD, not because of an underlying problem in your relationship, coping will become much easier for both of you.

• 2

  Focus on your spouse's positive traits, rather than the negative traits caused by ADHD. Give your spouse compliments on a daily basis, and reward positive behaviors with love and affection. This isn't to suggest you shouldn't give your spouse love and affection all the time, but positive reinforcement could help alter behavior and reduce the effects of ADHD.

• 3

  Try not to argue over traits and behaviors that are beyond your spouse's immediate control and that are a result of ADHD. To avoid an argument, take a deep breath to relax before talking with your spouse. Always speak in soft, gentle tones, and let your spouse know that your concern is out of love, not frustration or anger. Don't make an issue out of minor traits and behaviors that may be frustrating but aren't affecting the quality of your relationship. Instead of starting an argument, remind yourself that the behavior or trait that's upsetting you is caused by the ADHD, and move past it. Remind yourself that your spouse loves you and wants to be there for you, but symptoms of ADHD may make this difficult at times and in some cases, impossible.

• 4

  Avoid feelings of guilt or shame. You're not doing your spouse any favors by feeling bad about an argument or the way you handled a situation. You can't be perfect all the time. Coping with a spouse who suffers from ADHD is a process, and over time, you will be able to handle it better. But it will take time. Likewise, you should never feel guilty about negative behaviors your spouse exhibits. These traits are caused by the ADHD and are beyond your control. If your spouse neglects chores, bills, or even your children, you should never feel guilty. It's up to your spouse to work on correcting these behaviors. All you can do is offer your loving support and encouragement.

• 5

  Have realistic expectations for yourself and your spouse. Help your spouse make productive, realistic goals. To increase your spouse's chances for success, allow extra time to complete tasks or accomplish goals, be patient and keep your cool when you're frustrated, and always give your spouse credit for accomplishing a goal, no matter how small it may be. Likewise, don't expect to always accomplish your own goals as quickly as you'd like to. You need to give yourself extra time, too, and be aware that you may miss a deadline, forget an important date, or neglect responsibilities while trying to cope with your spouse's ADHD.