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Grief Techniques

Life is filled with precious moments that rush to the forefront when a loved one passes away. The Greeks say to survivors, "May her memory be eternal," and often those memories serve to help us move forward, no matter how gradually. Moving beyond the death of a beloved pet, an infant, a friend, partner, family member or co-worker can be extremely difficult, but there are ways to process and allow the grief to flow. Sometimes losses occur in relationships or jobs. Any ending feels as devastating as any death; it's okay to mourn these as well. Blocking grief serves no one, and putting on strong false fronts need only be temporary. Give yourself permission to let go and honor this moment.

  1. Shrines and Memorials

    • Set aside time for prayer and meditation in a still setting.

      Funerals, cremations, religious and spiritual rites and ceremonies are only the beginning of transitioning into life without a loved one. Sometimes, a person has been ill for a long period and relief is felt to know she is no longer suffering. The term "closure" doesn't need to indicate you are shutting the person out of your life, your mind or your heart. Find solace in creating a memorial for friends and relations to celebrate the life that was. Focus on the goodness, and find moments of healing in joy and laughter that bring a different form of release than do tears. Create a small shrine in your home with a few favorite photographs and mementos that hold meaning for you or that were symbolic and important to your loved one. Make a little ritual of lighting a candle, a stick of incense and simply pausing to feel the love you still carry. Let tears surface as they will -- these are like offerings and blessings too.

    Talk About Your Loved One

    • Tears are cleansing and healing when allowed to flow freely.

      The physical presence of your loved one will be sorely missed, and you may sometimes dream of him or sense he is near. Some people feel a familiar loving energy at certain times of day or before bedtime and feel their loved one is nearby. Your religious and spiritual beliefs can be a source of comfort, but friends, relative and support groups also may provide a method for grieving. Talk openly about your pain, your heartache, the beauty, challenges, hardships and joys you experienced. Speak about the things you had yet longed to do, the life you imagined and your uncertainty about how to proceed. Let yourself fully feel any anger, but try not to inflict yet more pain on others through how you express it. Talking helps tremendously. Communicate your love and sorrow fearlessly.

    The Letter Never Sent

    • Share from your heart the thoughts you didn't get a chance to say.

      Sudden deaths, accidents and tragedies brought on through many different circumstances can leave us in shock and confusion. If you hear yourself saying things like, "I wish I could have told her ...." or "I missed his birthday!" stop a moment and let go of any accompanying guilt. This can take time, but if you can find a way to forgive yourself and the departed, your heart will begin to heal rapidly. Forgiveness can sometimes be helped along by writing a letter. Sit down at a time of quiet or play soothing music that helps you relax. Breathe deeply a few times and imagine the person you love, then write a letter expressing things unsaid, such as your fears, worries, anger, love, pain and joy. Ask for forgiveness and offer your own -- listing particular actions or events. Then either keep it, file it or burn it, symbolically "sending it" on.

    Journaling

    • Light a candle as you acknowledge the memories, hopes, dreams and pain.

      Days or weeks after you begin to adjust to the loss numerous thoughts may arise to remind you of your loved one. Buy a composition book or a pretty journal designed for filling with your thoughts. Write whatever comes to mind -- special memories and what you are doing. Share how the children are faring, what you miss, a visit from a caring friend. Imagine guardian angels or shining, heaven-like worlds and describe them in your journal. Write once a day or once a week, whatever feels comfortable for you. This is your private thought collection to use as a tool toward recovery. Soon, you will begin to notice a shift in how you feel, and you can acknowledge the beloved in new ways even as you begin to rebuild your life.

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