The Five Stages of Grief May Not All Occur & May Not Be in a Set Order

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler Ross defined the five stages of grief in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying." Kübler Ross wrote that denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are the successive stages people experience when they learn they have a terminal illness. Not everyone agrees that these stages all occur. Some organizations and researchers claim grief has four or even seven stages. Others feel that the five that Kübler Ross outlines might not occur in a specific order, or you might skip a few of them, because everyone grieves differently. Also, grief differs according to the situation: The pain you feel over a major disappointment isn't the same as the sorrow that occurs when a beloved pet dies.

Denial

• Denial is universally considered the first stage of grief. This is when someone refuses to believe the situation--a death, a terminal diagnosis, their house burned down--is happening. But some people may feel numb or in shock. It's not because the grieving individual is deliberately trying to deny reality--the loss is just so enormous, they can't emotionally process it.

Anger

• Anger is believed to follow denial. This is where you question, "Why did this happen to me?" or think, "It's not fair. I don't deserve this." Yet it's not surprising if a father whose son is shot during a robbery at a convenience store is immediately furious that his son was killed and says he's going to sue everyone who survived, because they are to blame for his child's death. Denial could follow afterward when it starts to sink in that his son isn't coming home.

Bargaining

• Kübler Ross regards bargaining as the third stage of grief. In this phase, a person promises their higher power that they'll do anything--become a better person, or dedicate their life to a noble cause--if God reverses their loss. You might enter the bargaining phase right after experiencing denial. Or you could find yourself making promises during the depression phase and swear that you'll do whatever's necessary to end the suffering.

Depression

• Depression is thought to be grief's fourth phase. By this time a person is often physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from the previous three stages. But depression could repeatedly occur throughout the mourning period--most people who lose a loved one constantly battle feelings of hopelessness and pain. You could also be angry at the same time, or immediately skip the denial stage and fall into a deep depression.

Acceptance

• Acceptance is named as the last part of grieving. When a person reaches this phase after enduring the first four, they usually turn a corner and day-to-day coping becomes easier. Yet emotional triggers can return you to a previous stage: Seeing your ex-boyfriend with another woman can make you depressed, even if you have accepted your relationship has ended. A woman whose husband died from a terminal illness might accept his death soon after it occurs, as opposed to a first-time mother who suddenly loses her baby.