Phases of Handling Grief

There are five stages of handling grief, denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, not necessarily in that order. Every person struggling through the phases proceeds at his own pace. No set limits are available for the stages; grief, and handling grief, take different forms and different time periods for each individual. The stages themselves, however, are universal and experienced by people from all lifestyles and in every culture.

Denial and Isolation

• Usually the first reaction to grief, either resulting from a death or news of a terminal illness, takes the form of denial; not believing someone actually died, for example, in cases of an unrecovered body in a drowning or fire. In cases of illness, denial moves from believing adamantly the doctors are wrong and progressing to intensive research while looking for cures and exceptions. During this phase of the grief process, individuals often withdraw from family, friends and society in general. The death, or illness, becomes their only focus.

Anger

• During the denial and isolation phase, anger bubbles just below the surface, waiting to erupt. The direction of the anger can be themselves, the deceased or ill person, other family members, doctors or God. Even though, in some recess of their mind, the grieving person knows the anger will not help and that it is not anyone's fault, they have no control over the feeling. Working through the anger by talking to the doctor and asking her to explain the cause of death or the illness one more time, often speeds up the anger phase. It allows the grieving person to face the object head-on.

Bargaining

• Bargaining with God or a Higher Power, offering sacrifices to change the situation is common. "If you just bring him back, or cure him, I will stop smoking, give more money to charity, go back to a place of worship," and a multitude of other things the grieving person perceives as bargaining chips to get the desired result. During the bargaining phase, some people try to regain what they have lost, remarrying almost immediately. It is wise to take two- to -three years after a devastating loss to make any major life decisions, including remarrying or selling the family home.

Depression

• Once reality of the situation sets in, the phase of depression begins. Though some of the anger may remain, a sense of numbness often accompanies the depression phase. The most dangerous stage of depression, the grieving person needs someone to monitor them, alert to the possibility of suicidal thoughts. The longer the relationship with the deceased or ill person, the longer this stage will last. In extreme cases, partners have even willed themselves to die after losing a spouse. Senior citizens have died of natural causes, with no history of illness, within a year of their partner's death. In this situation, ensure that the person stays busy and help him try to find a new meaning for his life; for example, caring for grandchildren or volunteering at a hospital. Another form of depression takes the form of excessive worry over funeral costs, burial or someone close to them dying. If the depression becomes severe, seek professional help with grief counseling.

Acceptance

• In the acceptance phase, all the other feelings may be present, but have dulled to a quiet roar. Reality sets in, and acceptance of the situation takes place. This phase can include a phase of withdrawal while the grieving person comes to terms with reality. Some people never get past this phase enough to move forward with their lives. Those that do move on generally have become involved with other people and activities. This does not mean the feelings of sadness or loss have disappeared, just that the feelings no longer consume their every thought.