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How to Stop Self-Condemnation

Self-condemnation, the inability to forgive oneself, often stems from having condemning parents or caregivers. Self-condemnation, which often occurs in conjunction with low self-esteem, left unabated can develop into anger, depression and even suicide. The ability to forgive oneself is often more difficult than forgiving others and can be a form of pride--the false assumption that others can be forgiven but oneself cannot.

Symptoms of self-condemnation include, but are not limited to, depression, anxiety, nervousness, feelings of hopelessness and suicide, defensiveness, fear, and panic attacks.

Things You'll Need

  • 3 x 5 cards
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Instructions

  1. Controlling Self-Condemnation

    • 1

      Identify guilt-inducing thoughts and beliefs. Notice any thoughts that tend to recur. Listen to your self-talk. Note if these thoughts are legitimate guilt ("I shouldn't have yelled at her like that") or false guilt ("If I hadn't yelled at her, she wouldn't have kicked the dog. It's my fault the dog is hurt.")

    • 2

      Jot down recurring themes like, "I'm stupid", "I'm ugly" or "I can't do anything right." Does it sound like a critical parent or a loving friend? You may be carrying the voice of a condemning parent with you long after the parent is gone and replacing it with your own critical voice.

    • 3

      Talk to yourself in the same way you would a good friend. Give yourself grace and forgiveness. Say things like, "Anyone would be angry in that situation" or "Anyone could have made a mistake like that."

    • 4

      Replace self-condemnation with self-affirmation. This is not just self-flattery but rather replacing lies with truth. Tell yourself the truth about you. Are you basically kind, courageous, honest, intelligent? Speak words like, "I made a mistake but I am a kind and loving person" and "I shouldn't have lied to her because I am an honest person," instead of something like, "I shouldn't have lied to her. What a hypocrite!"

    • 5

      Make note cards with self-affirmations about your inherent worth as a human being. Repeat them to yourself often. Make cards that deal with specific situations like, "I am worth being respected" or "I am valuable enough to be in relationships with caring people."

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