What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed?

The National Institute of Mental Health reports that depression affects more than 14 million adult Americans in any given year. The chances are that you know or will know someone who is going through depression or is clinically depressed. As much as you may want to help that person through talking, there are some things that shouldn't be said to a depressed person.

Get Over It

• Telling a depressed person to "get over it" is an awful strategy for helping a depressed person. Depression doesn't happen instantly and can be different for each person. There are also a number of clinical causes of depression that take more than just a willingness to end it. Bipolar disorder, for example, is characterized by long periods of depression as well as periods of mania. "Getting over it" is just not that simple. However, if you've had similar feelings over similar situations and you were able to healthily overcome them, i.e., not succumbing to substance abuse, it could be helpful to provide insight as to what set you on the right path for recovery.

Questioning Validity

• If someone is depressed because he lost a loved one and you seemed to get over a lost loved one quickly, that doesn't justify you saying that the person should get over it. What may seem like an illogical response to you may not be one for the person. Questions like "why would you do that?" or "why would you feel sad over that?" in an accusing tone aren't helpful. Doing so can invalidate someone's feelings that, again, may exist for medical reasons and not necessarily for logical reasons. Depressed people sometimes just need someone to talk to, and asking questions with an inquisitive tone versus an accusing tone can help them open up.

Empty Reassurance

• It is OK to want to reassure the person that her situation can get better over time. But just saying "it will be OK" in a pandering tone, without valid reasoning, can discredit your empathy. It can appear to be dismissive of their reasons for depression and the severity of their symptoms. Even saying "I understand" if you haven't been through the same or similar situation can lend to a perception of empty reassurance. The sad statistic is that 10 to 15 percent of clinically depressed people complete suicide. By offering reassurance through active listening and verbal commitment to supporting the person, you could be of service. For example, instead of saying "It'll be OK," you might try phrases like "I can empathize with your situation and I care about how you feel. I want to be here for you to get through this bad time."