Marriage and Incontinence
For men diagnosed with incontinence, the condition can seem like a life-altering problem. Not only does it affect your body, making it difficult, if not impossible, to control your bladder; it can also affect intimacy with your spouse. The good news is it doesn't have to ruin your relationship.
"Incontinence doesn't need to be the focus of your marriage," says Elizabeth Lombardo, a clinical psychologist and the author of "A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness." "Rather than seeing it as a death sentence for the marriage, think of it like a broken leg or a limb that isn't functioning. You deal with it, and then you move on."
Admitting There's a Problem
Although incontinence is a private matter, one that can be embarrassing to discuss, it's a condition that affects from 5 to 15 percent of men over the age of 50 living at home, according to a review of studies by the National Association for Continence. It's important to remember that incontinence is not a disease -- it's a symptom that can have many causes.
Even though it's common, it can be easy to shield from the outside world. Men, in particular, have a difficult time talking about it -- only 18 percent of men suffering from the problem reveal it, as opposed to 33 percent of women.
But it's much harder to hide it in a marriage, especially when you share so much with your spouse. Lombardo suggests that if you have yet to tell your partner about your diagnosis, you find a quiet five minutes to sit down and talk about it in private. "Even if you inside of you, you think it's disgusting, get to a place where you can accept that it's a problem you can't control,” she notes.
It Doesn't Make You Less of a Partner
Incontinence isn't only a physical problem -- it's a psychological one as well. "Being a man, for many men, means that your penis works -- if it isn't working, men sometimes feel like they've lost their identities," Lombardo explains.
If a man had a broken leg and wasn't able to be sexually active, no one would think that he was less of a person -- the same stance has to be taken in the face of incontinence. "Take the sexuality out of it," Lombardo recommends.
The good news is that most forms of incontinence are temporary -- they're caused by disease, injuries and post-surgical conditions. Slight changes in diet -- cutting out caffeine or alcohol, for example -- taking medicine, or even doing simple daily exercises can significantly reduce the effects of the condition. In more extreme situations, minimally invasive treatments with low frequency radiowaves at a doctor's office or surgery can alleviate the symptoms. In many cases, couples are able to return to the same level of sexual activity soon after incontinence is first diagnosed.
Remember to Love Unconditionally
No matter what happens, incontinence doesn't have to change your marriage. In fact, it can help deepen the level of commitment you already have with your spouse. "The more unconditional love, the better," Lombardo says.
Although Lombardo thinks it's important to discuss the problem when it first arises, she doesn't think that it needs to become a central issue in the relationship. "You don't need to analyze it constantly," she says. "Let your spouse know you're there for her no matter what, and move on."