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The Disadvantages of Reinforcing Parents of Children With Behavioral Problems

Many parents work hard to help their children with behavioral problems. As they seek answers and turn for help, they often look for validation and encouragement. However, sometimes even the best intentioned parent isn't making choices that are appropriate or beneficial to his child. Therapists, counselors, teachers, family and friends have a responsibility not to validate a parent whose approach isn't helpful to a child.

  1. Ineffective Strategies

    • People sometimes confuse being supportive with reinforcing. In their desire to be sympathetic and kind, they may validate a parent's course of action. If a parent has been trying the same strategy or approach with a troubled child for an extended period and it just isn't working, then it may be wholly ineffective. It can be difficult to tell someone who believes in an approach or who is clinging to hope that their strategy doesn't work, but it can be the honest, constructive and kinder thing to do.

    Bad Strategies

    • Parents of troubled children can find themselves very frustrated. When frustration turns to anger, it doesn't make anything better. Children with behavior problems typically worsen with anger and parents too become unhappy. Validating a parent's frustration is an important part of supporting her, however it's important not to reinforce choices that stem from or convey anger. In the worst of cases, this can cycle into toxic situations and even abuse.

    The Truth

    • Many children's behavioral problems come from parenting choices and styles. In these cases, the first step to helping a child is help for the parents, which often involves therapy and change. When parents whose behaviors are creating a child's trauma complain about or discuss their problems with their child, reinforcing their views only affirms their view and belief. Neither the child nor the parents benefit from the parents' behaviors that are contributing to problematic behaviors in the child.

    Credibility

    • Parents might ask later why you didn't tell them what they were doing wrong, once they have worked through their difficulties. They may come to resent the people who reinforced their mistakes and falsely validated their problematic behaviors. People who were trying to be agreeable and supportive may find their integrity and relationships compromised as parents come to regard them with hurt and distrust.

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