How to Help Hurting Teens

Teens face numerous psychosocial trials as they work out who they are and where they want to go in life. Almost inevitably, some of these trials turn into crises, crises that evoke deep hurts and doubts about self-worth. A broken friendship, a first love relationship turning sour, a bereavement, even inevitable events like the onset of puberty or entering or leaving school -- any transition may switch over to crisis for individual teens. Helping hurting teens, however, is a real art; help itself threatens to capsize a troubled adolescent's precariously emerging sense of independence. A calm, friendly adult will get further than an authority figure.

Things You'll Need

• A quiet room
• Comfortable seats
• Sketchpad and pencil or pen

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Instructions

The background of safety

• 1

  Safety comes first. Let the young person know that you have "x" amount of time together (45 minutes is a good stretch -- neither too long nor too short). You'll let him decide what to talk about and reassure him that you won't ask intrusive questions, although you might ask for help if you don't understand something. Unless he endangers himself, you'll let everything that's spoken about stay between you and him. Do clarify, though, that if he persuades you that he intends to harm himself, you''ll need to tell a trusted adult to ensure his safety.

• 2

  Don't get puzzled or frustrated if the teenager begins by talking about someone or something else. Always let her take the lead and pick whatever topics come to mind. You may hear about the storyline in a favorite TV soap, or a movie, or the lyrics to a song. Keep listening patiently: adolescents often find opening up to adults painfully exposing. Let them keep the subject matter "in the displacement," to use a term from psychotherapy. Ask yourself what's happening in the soap, movie or song she's telling you about: Who's doing what to whom? Who's suffering? How?

• 3

  If the teen uses displacement, keep your comments there, too. Don't rush to return the feelings discussed to the youngster. You might say, "The boy's mom doesn't notice how much he misses his dad," or "It's as though the girl feels invisible, like no one can see how alone and sad she feels." Comments like this show you've understood. Avoid saying things like, "Maybe it's you who's missing his father." If the teen hasn't expressed it in these terms, he usually has good reasons for being circumspect. Remember, adolescents feel shamed and humiliated much more easily than adults.

• 4

  Agree to meet the youngster for more talking time like this as often as she feels it may help. Negotiating one meeting at a time and letting the teen take charge of ceasing further attendance usually works best. Few adults behave like this; by doing so, you avoid undermining her sense of agency and control. Your job is to remain as open as possible to receiving the young person's suffering -- listening, identifying with the hurt, quietly thinking about possible ways forward.

• 5

  Resist the temptation to give advice. "Re-description" usually works better with teens. For example, a boy grieving for a lost parent may feel nothing but unfathomable distress, or rage at the injustice; re-description recasts these "negative" emotions in more usable ways: "Grief usually means deep love, the first step we must take to keeping someone we loved alive in our minds." Teens often know, without realizing that they know, what helps ease the pain -- listening to music, playing music, painting or drawing, writing poetry, stories or songs, etc. Hurt begins healing when a teen's lament begins. Whatever form that takes, encourage it.