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What Is a Time-Out in Domestic Violence Cases?

A "time-out" is a de-escalation strategy employed during arguments that are becoming heated and potentially violent. In his book, "Stopping the Violence: A Group Model to Change Men's Abusive Attitudes and Behaviors," David J. Decker, M.A. compares a time-out between partners to the time-out used in sports--often called because the team is straying from an effective game-plan. It also allows participants to go away until they can calm their turbulent emotions.

  1. The Contract

    • A common practice among domestic violence counselors is to get couples to fill out a "time-out contract," like the one found on the domestic violence website, New Start Family Life skills.
      Couples identify triggers that make them angry, and physical or verbal cues that their anger is getting out of control. Signing the contract means that they agree to use time-outs in arguments.

    Signal

    • A signal is used to indicate that things are getting out of control, and is a key component of the time-out strategy. Couples choose a signal to use when they feel themselves becoming threatened, or violent. Usually it is a neutral, non-verbal hand gesture that will not contribute further to their argument. During an argument, either partner may use this signal to communicate that they require a time-out.

    Time Apart

    • During the time-out itself, couples separate for a designated amount of time, usually 15 to 30 minutes. A time-out should be used to "actively work to calm yourself physically and emotionally," says Decker. Alcohol or caffeine should not be consumed during this time because of their mood-altering properties, and phone calls to friends or family are discouraged, as they can distort issues, or add fuel to the fire, according to the New Start Family Life Skills site. Instead, couples use this time to process difficult emotions, and to think about ways to effectively resolve the disagreement.

    Reassess

    • After the time-out, couples reconvene and try to resolve the initial conflict in a non-violent manner. New Start Family Life Skills recommends that couples use "I feel" statements to express themselves in a non-confrontational way.

    Result

    • The aim of a time-out is to allow couples with a history of flawed communication and a tendency to anger or violence the chance to take a break during difficult conversations. It helps them to recognize when and how communication breaks down between them, and what it is that often makes them angry. The time away from the fight allows them to reassess their feelings and their motives, and to come back to the same conversation calmer and with more understanding, so that they can then attempt to replace old, problematic ways of communicating with new, healthier ones.

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