Aging Parents

When parents age, it is one of the most difficult and challenging times in life. Suddenly, the caring individuals who took care of their children for many years are in need of their own children. It is a very difficult transition for everyone. Most families do not even discuss what should be done in this situation and are unprepared for the changes that quickly take place. The children are suddenly faced with many decisions and do not know which way to turn. Preparation is very important. Planning in advance for this time is best for the parents and the caregivers. Even though it is a very difficult subject to face, it is best to do so. Here are some things to think about.

Prevention/Solution

• When did your parents begin to look old? It seems like yesterday that you were in school and they were so young. You suddenly realize that the time is coming that you need to make some decisions. Regardless of how difficult it is, you must first sit down with your parents and see if they have made any plans for the future. Many parents do not want to burden their children, and so they have decided what they want to do when becoming too ill or frail to live on their own. If they have not made any decisions, all the siblings and the parents need to sit down for a family discussion. This way everyone knows what to expect and what each person's responsibility will be. One of the main issues in this situation is when the brothers and sisters do not agree about what should be done. By having this family meeting, it will help resolve some of these problems as well.
  Some questions to ask: Will the parents live with one of the children or in an assisted-living facility? Do they want to live in the same town or move to another location? Have they paid for any long-term care insurance? What funds have they put aside to prepare for this time in their life, or will the sale of their home be used? Have they met with a lawyer and written up the necessary paperwork that the children will need in case of a major illness? These are difficult questions, but they must be faced.

Time Frame

• When should you be most concerned about your parents? What signs will let you know it is time to start making changes in your parents' situation? Look at their eating habits. Check their refrigerator and cupboards to see if they have been shopping regularly. Are they losing weight? That can be a very telling sign. It could indicate that your mother or father has a health problem, such as depression, dementia or malnutrition. Do you notice a change in overall attitude? Talk to your parents about seeing a doctor. See if you can help them with the shopping or cooking. Are your parents safe in their home? Are you concerned about them climbing the stairs, taking care of the yard, being warm enough, keeping up with the cleaning? Any major changes in the way they take care of the house can signify that there is a problem or a potential one. Be aware of accessibility, and of when it is necessary to either make changes in their home or move to another location.

Misconceptions

• Loss of memory comes with aging, so do not immediately be concerned that there is a problem with dementia or Alzheimer's. You should be more concerned with depression and malnourishment. Depression is very common in the elderly. About 20 percent of older individuals, two times the number of those who are younger, become depressed. Only half of the aging with emotional problems gets care, and fewer than 3 percent see a mental health specialist. Be alert to changes in their normal personal hygiene habits, such as bathing, brushing teeth, combing hair and wearing clean clothes. Also look at your parent's mood; was she normally in good spirits, but is she now appearing withdrawn? Has he become moody, more angry than usual or less communicative? Do they usually go out for walks or other activities and now are staying home? If you see any of these changes, or similar ones, you need to talk with your parents. If they will not discuss it, talk with their doctor or other supportive person, such as a close friend or religious leader. Depression can easily be helped with medication, and as soon as possible. It is also important to be aware of dementia in the early stages, as well.

Considerations

• Do not wait until the last minute if your parents have decided to move out of their home and into senior housing or assisted living "when the time is right." It takes time to get the house ready for the sale and find a buyer, there are often waiting lists for senior facilities, and often something happens, such an accident or illness, so there is little time for preparation. There are now many different choices for seniors, especially if they are still active and take care of themselves. There are apartment, housing and condominium complexes that are for seniors with necessary accessibility. These do not have health care available. There are also facilities that have apartments for those who can care for themselves, as well as assisted living and nursing homes with medical care in the same location. These are helpful in case of an accident when your parent may need special care for a certain period of time before returning to his or her apartment. It is also a place where your parents can have continual care as they age. If you know that your parents is getting close to needing a nursing home, because of frailty or a physical or mental health need, begin researching facilities as soon as possible. Again, there is often a waiting list for the better homes. Do your research very carefully. In some states, the nursing home has to show any health care infringements or legal issues with residents or their families. If you are interested in a home, visit it at different times of the day and night. Walk through the hallway and view the residents. You want to be sure this is the best place for your parent.

Significance

• Take steps immediately to prepare for your parents' aging, even if they are now in the best of health. Start drawing up a plan, and understand their need for autonomy and control over their own lives. The plan needs to address different situations. Be more attentive to any changes in your parents mood or activities or physical abilities. If you live a distance away, make more phone calls and have someone in the town check on them more regularly. Watch carefully what your parents are eating and make sure they are getting enough liquids. Go through their home to see if anything needs to be modified for the time being, such as a railing on the stairs or handle bars by the bathtub. Make sure that they are meeting with a financial and/or legal adviser and one of the children is responsible for the finances and medical decisions based on these formal agreements. Begin your research on what types of resources and accommodations are available in your area. Sign up for housing in case it is needed. Find others who are in a similar situation as you, or who have gone through these circumstances, and can share their experiences. Support groups are either listed in the paper or with social services. Be realistic and understand that, no matter what, you will have to face these challenges. It is better now than later.