How to Stop Codependency

Giving to your loved ones is a beautiful thing but codependent people often give until it hurts. They have no concept of personal boundaries, nor any interest in or memory of making their own selves happy. Codependents derive satisfaction from pleasing the other people in their lives. They are always smiling, long suffering and typically have no opinion, even in matters that concern them directly. Releasing codependent tendencies isn't easy but with self-reflection and strong support, it is possible.

Instructions

• 1

  Admit you have a problem. A solution cannot be sought until the problem is acknowledged. The hallmark of codependency is focusing so thoroughly on other people's issues and needs that you completely neglect your own. If you have not recognized your own desires in some time, it will be hard to turn the focus on yourself but it is a must if codependency is to be eliminated.

• 2

  Seek the cause. Codependency is typically caused during childhood. Children tend to accept responsibility for the events that occur around them. If a mother is depressed and withdrawn, her child may assume it is because of something he did wrong. This will cause the child to be hypersensitive to the emotions of others, doing whatever he perceives will keep the peace and restore happiness. Since his own emotions are not peaceful, he will ignore them and focus on fixing everyone else, subconsciously believing that once everyone else is alright, happiness will follow. Adults who have realized they are codependent need to trace their roots and determine where the behavior began. Once you can see the pattern clearly, you can begin to make a change.

• 3

  Let go. Codependents believe that if they aren't holding their loved one's lives together, everything will fall apart. With the exception of your own children, remind yourself you aren't responsible for anyone else. Adults are capable of taking care of themselves. Even if they have to hit rock bottom first, those are valuable lessons they need to learn. Don't deprive them of their growth by standing between them and the consequences of their own actions.

• 4

  Become selfish. Although selfishness is often perceived as a negative, codependents must get in the habit of thinking of themselves first. Remind yourself daily that your highest priority should be your own happiness. When people and circumstances get in the way of that, (lovingly) eliminate them from your perception. Explain that you have to come first from now on.

• 5

  Seek a higher power. This could be God, organized religion, alternative spirituality or meditation; it doesn't matter as long as its some sort of spiritual practice that helps you feel quieter and stronger internally. Use your higher power to remind yourself that you are complete within and don't have to compromise yourself for another person's wants or needs.

• 6

  Get to know yourself again. Codependents spend so much time focusing on others that they've totally forgotten their own needs, wants, likes and dislikes. Spend time with yourself finding out what makes you happy. Take yourself to restaurants and rediscover your favorite foods. Do you enjoy going to the movies? Fishing? Shopping? Become engrossed with finding out what makes you tick.

• 7

  Find a support group. You are not alone in your codependency. Seek the company of other struggling with the same issue; realizing the similarity in your circumstances will help you feel stronger and less alone. There are local 12 step groups for codependency, similar to the ones for those addicted to drugs and alcohol. You can find them in the phone book or on the Internet.