Tough Love & Effectiveness in Bipolar Disorder

It can seem almost like a relief, once bipolar is diagnosed; suddenly things fall into place, those little clues that something wasn't right. The mood swings, the irrational behavior, the irritability and plain uncharacteristic behaviors that became suddenly characteristic, have a name. But a name is but one step in the process of living with bipolar. Next comes managing it, and providing tough love.

Bipolar

• Bipolar is a genuine illness affecting the mind. Sometimes called manic-depression, bipolar involves cycles of mood changes from depression to irritability and elation (mania). The cycles can be rapid and numerous, occurring dramatically, but can also occur slowly and less frequent. Periods of normal moods can occur, and the extremes of mood can cause impairment of everyday life and function.

Tough Love

• The bipolar individual may seem hostile or withdrawn at times

  "Tough Love" is loving and affectionate care and concern that is expressed in a strict, unsentimental way. It is a method designed to avoid codependency and enabling and to promote responsible behavior and behavioral change. While commonly associated with parenting teenagers, tough love can be used everywhere in human relationships, including with friends and family with mental illness, such as bipolar.

Tough Love in Bipolar

• With the extremes of mood and behavior evident in the bipolar, behaviors and situations can quickly spiral out of control. To agree with them when agreement is irrational and to allow them to act out is enabling behavior, which will only hurt them, feeding their current mood and escalating their dependency or behavior. Tough love is intended to promote growth and help stop the cycle of acting out, in conjunction with other treatment.

Limits

• The bipolar must learn to find their own way with firm support

  As Mental Place states, "always keep firmly in mind that your loved one's illness is not YOUR problem, and it's not your fault. Be firm in refusing to take any abuse from your bipolar loved one, but be there as a safety net if things go badly off-center." The bipolar lives a life of extremes, and your presence may be the only sounding board of reality in their life.

  Yet, you must not give in to the "poor-me" whine or manipulation. Hard truth, painful honesty, and even refusal to involve yourself in crazy behavior is exactly what the bipolar needs. Think before you agree or act, as "while you think you may be helping, in fact, you will cause harm," if you refuse to set these limits. It is critical that you be honest and firm in a positive, loving way.

Space

• Part of tough love is to give the individual space to make decisions, mistakes, and to work through things. The only way for anyone to grow is to experience and to feel the pain of wrong choices. And even pain can be healthy, as pain great enough is motivation to change. But do be there to support the bipolar--just firmly, not controlling or enabling.

  An exception may be the bipolar who refuses to take their medication, as commonly happens when the person feels normal again and then thinks that means he is well. Do what you must to make him take his medicine, if possible. But do not act with sympathy, as he may take this as weakness. Understand the fine line between loving support with tough love and sympathetic enabling.

Effectiveness

• With treatment and a support system bipolar can be managed

  There is no cure for bipolar, although it can be treated with medicine to lessen the cycles and symptoms. In the depth of the illness, untreated, tough love will not cure her or her behavioral problems. It will, however, provide you with a feeling of relief and help you to not feel engulfed and as powerless. With time and medication, the bipolar will respond to the limits and structure provided by tough love. Just remember to be consistent.

Support

• For more information and support in coping with bipolar illness, find a support group or other resource in your town or community mental health center. Consult with a professional about any concerns you have.