How to Help the Spouse of a Hoarder

The phenomenon of hoarding can be difficult to grasp by someone on the outside looking in. It can be even more difficult for the person who cares about a hoarder most. Spouses of hoarders live within the eye of the storm and often experience just as much chaos and anxiety as their loved ones. There is no way to "save" a hoarder; encouraging a hoarder to seek treatment can be difficult or even fruitless. So too is it difficult to "save" a loved one who might be involved with a hoarder. Still, there are a handful of ways in which you can help to get that friend or family member on the right track.

Instructions

• 1

  Listen to the person without passing judgment. Encourage him to continue sharing his feelings and not to feel ashamed.

• 2

  Remind the person what she can and cannot control. Hoarding behaviors are indicative of a significant and often deep-seated mental illness and are very difficult for doctors to treat. Your loved one probably feels like she no longer has any control over the situation, and she would be right. Remind her that just because things aren't getting better doesn't mean that she isn't doing everything that can be done.

• 3

  Encourage the person to seek professional counseling. Even if a hoarder refuses to seek help (and, sadly, they often do), a hoarder's spouse can find an outlet for his pain and exasperation. Many spouses of hoarders display attributes of a codependent personality, and their attempts to support the hoarders they love actually work to feed the obsessive-compulsive cycle. By breaking that cycle and seeking support through therapy, your loved one will be tapped into a network of caring people that can help him survive this frightening time, and he will, in turn, take the first steps toward encouraging his spouse to follow suit.

• 4

  Show support by being active in the person's life as she makes changes and/or moves out of the marital home. Be there for her in any way that she needs, whether it's providing a shoulder to cry on or doing something fun together like having dinner or seeing a movie.

• 5

  Stay positive. Don't tell the person what to do next. Just as therapists recommend not attempting to be combative or abrasive with hoarders, make sure to let your loved one come to his own decisions. Respect his autonomy, even if it hurts to watch that person struggle. At the end of the day, it will be up to him, not you, to make changes for the better.

• 6

  Point the person to the Internet, and help her find links to support groups for the loved ones of hoarders. Groups like the International OCD Foundation are a great place to start.