Common Beliefs About Grief

When someone dies, the grief is so overwhelming that it can stay with a person for years. It marks them forever and never leaves them. There are some common beliefs about grief that make the process more difficult to endure. If everyone could understand grief a bit better, it might make the process easier for the millions of people in the world whose lives have been effected by loss.

Difference Between Grief and Mourning

• It may sound like semantics to some, but there is a distinct and necessary difference between grieving and mourning. Grief is what one feels when a loss occurs. It is the feeling of losing, the actual loss itself. Mourning is acting out that grief. It may be crying, having a funeral or any other activity that gives expression to the feelings that the loss has produced. Often mourning is stifled in an effort to "get over it" quickly and not be a burden to others with the feelings of loss. Mourning needs to happen for grieving to be healthy.

Stages of Grief

• There is a common misconception that there is a progression to grief that people go through. People think that grief starts at one point, moves through easily recognizable stages and then ends at another point. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Grief is very organic and individual to each person. A grieving person can easily have feelings of denial, for instance, at any time in the grieving process. It is not necessarily reserved for the first stage. Grief and feelings cannot be so easily charted as that.

Mourning

• Certain outlets of mourning are seen as OK, such as at funerals and cemeteries. However, expressing mourning months or years after a loss is often seen as a sign of illness or weakness. It is not seen as a natural outlet of a grieving person who may have repressed those mourning tendencies so long ago. One of the most common beliefs about grief is that mourning is not OK. In actuality, it is OK to express the grief that is within and let the feelings of loss be expressed and freed.

Tears

• Many people who are overcome by grief can express their mourning by crying. Unfortunately, crying is seen by many as a sign of weakness. A mourner might be reluctant to let his feelings out in tears for fear that he is weak if he does so. This is a common error. Tears are a healthy way to express grief and mourning. They help a person indicate that they are sad and in need of the support of people around them. Sometimes they make people uncomfortable, but supportive friends or therapists can interpret these tears as the sign of grief that they express.

Get Over It

• Everyone thinks that the primary goal of grief and mourning is to get over it. People often think of "getting over it" as "moving on." A time table often is set up, and if the griever is still hurting after that time is up, then there is something wrong with her. There is no such thing as "getting over" a major loss. There is learning to deal with the new reality and integrating that into one's life, thus enabling her to move forward. However, no one should be expected to completely get over the loss of anyone or anything that mattered to her. Everyone grieves in her own way. There is no set time table for getting over it and no way to recover the loss. Eventually, the mourning allows the griever to come to terms with her loss and move forward. However, that doesn't mean that there won't be times of remembrances with all the emotions attached.