Listening and Speaking Skills for Interpersonal Communication

Listening and speaking effectively do not come naturally for everyone. Mind Tools, Ltd., reports that we typically remember 25 to 50 percent of what we hear. Listening and speaking are active processes, which means that they require thought and effort to be executed effectively. Taking a passive stance on these skills may lead to disagreements, hurt feelings and dysfunctional relationships with friends and family. However, using strategies to improve listening and speaking skills may improve those relationships.

Actively Listen

• Listening is an active process. It involves hearing and comprehending information. To be an active listener you must ensure that you understand what is being said to the best of your ability. Demonstrating active listening to others shows them that you are interested in and understand what they are saying. Summarizing what was said is one way to show interest. For example, you could say, "so, you feel like your boss does not listen to you." Asking for clarification demonstrates that you want to understand. An example of clarification is "I did not understand that part, did you mean that you felt hurt or angry?"

Think Before You Speak

• You have heard the phrase "think before you speak" before. It is not always a simple task. Before you speak, think carefully about the words you are using. Ensure that your words are likely to be understood correctly, say what you mean and express what you think and feel rather than lashing out. Taking a few seconds before speaking and choosing words carefully can prevent saying something hurtful that you cannot take back.

Avoid Blame and Accusation

• Often when people are having a disagreement, they blame or accuse to make a point. However, when someone feels accused the typical response is to defend himself or retaliate. This diverts the discussion from being solution focused to "the blame game" and resolution is unlikely. Instead of saying, "you are selfish," you might say, "I feel like you do not think about what I want." This takes away the blame and places the emphasis on the speaker rather than the listener while continuing to express the same point.

Take a Break When Angry or Sad

• When people feel angry or extremely sad it is difficult to manage those feelings during conversation. While sharing those thoughts and feelings can be helpful for coping with anger or grief, this is not the time to have a serious discussion about a late mortgage payment or relationship issues. If you cannot speak without expressing anger, take a break until you can. If you are so sad or depressed that it affects what you think and feel about an unrelated situation, wait until you are feeling better before discussing it. Waiting until a better time ensures a more productive discussion.