Understanding Passive Aggressive Men

Men with Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD) exhibit resentful behaviors, making living with a PAPD sufferer difficult. Some men with PAPD also show signs of other mental disorders, including depression, anxiety, a tendency to abuse alcohol or drugs, and an increased risk of suicidal thoughts. Understanding a man who suffers with PAPD is imperative for a friendship or family relationship to be successful.

Instructions

• 1

  Encourage men with PAPD to express their feelings of resentment. For many of these men, their cycle of emotionally destructive behavior began in childhood when they did not express anger towards parents, teachers or society over what they felt was unfair treatment. In counseling, these men are encouraged to bring those long-hidden events and feelings to the surface and share their emotions.

• 2

  React to angry outbursts with calm logic to keep from escalating the situation. Passive-aggressive behavior takes the form of sarcasm and hurtful insults when the person is feeling anxious or angry. Instead of fueling the hurtful comments, try deflating the attack by expressing your own feelings. When confronted with an insult, explain that you feel the comment is unfair and that you don’t deserve it. Begin statements with the words, "I feel."

• 3

  Lower your expectations. Unfortunately, living with a passive-aggressive male is not a recipe for bliss. These men often find it hard to hold a full-time job, and they view the actions and comments of others as a direct attack on them. However, there are varying degrees of the disorder, and men who suffer from borderline PAPD may learn to control the condition in order to live somewhat successfully.

• 4

  Set boundaries. In order to maintain your own self-esteem, establish boundaries and stick to them. For instance, determine in advance that name-calling is off-limits. When it occurs, immediately explain that it is counter-productive and that you will discuss the matter at another time when no name-calling is involved. Leave the room.

• 5

  Network with other people who live with a PAPD sufferer. Being able to share your experiences and learn about those of others can empower the way you deal with a passive-aggressive man. Join a message board to discuss how PAPD has affected your life.

• 6

  Learn all you can to better understand the behaviors of your passive-aggressive man. Encourage him to seek ongoing counseling. Attend the sessions with him. If he isn’t willing to go, attend by yourself. Check out, “Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man,” by Scott Wetzler (see Resources).