How to Make Peace With Uncomfortable Feelings

Like the moon rises and falls, like rain storms erupt and fade, like flowers bloom and wilt--our feelings too--come and go. Like micro internal weather patterns, any emotion you feel at any given moment will eventually shift--in its own natural way and time--into something else. If this is true (and it is), then there is no need to let uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, anger, loneliness, anxiety or uncertainty leave a lasting negative impact on our lives. Remember, emotions are just weather patterns passing through our lives; emotions are not the entirety of our lives. We can live peacefully with uncomfortable feelings--and it is my hope that these tips help you do just that.

Instructions

• 1

  Notice the roller coaster. Allowing the outside world to direct your internal emotions and allowing those internal emotions to dictate how you feel about your life as a whole is like choosing to spend your entire life living on a roller a coaster. The ride goes something like this: you're stuck in traffic, which makes you anxious because you are going to be late. So your stomach starts tying in knots and you want to scream at all the other drivers to get off the road (of course, you forget to acknowledge that you are also part of the traffic problem). You finally arrive at your final destination and find a parking space right in front of the building and now you are happy, relieved, elated. You won't be late after all. But the minute you walk through the door, your coworker makes a snide comment about your outfit, which makes you angry again until your boss compliments the work you did on that big report. Suddenly you are elated and full of pride. Then you check your email and read that the person with whom you had a date scheduled for the coming weekend has cancelled. Now you feel bad about yourself and down in the dumps once more.

• 2

  Detach! Detach! Detach! When you have an uncomfortable feeling, simply observe it, do not grasp onto it. Say to yourself, "I see I am feeling jealousy now. Isn't this interesting? So this is what jealousy feels like." Imagine you are watching yourself as though you are a character in a movie. Attaching to your feelings is what creates the wild, out-of-control feeling of a roller coaster life. These ups and downs might be thrilling on some level, but ultimately they leave you longing for stable ground.

• 3

  Do nothing except breath and cry. When an uncomfortable feeling arises, try very hard not to do things such as drink alcohol, do drugs, overeat, shop, have sex, yell or anything else that might serve as method of numbing the emotions. Instead, let the feeling exist. Lean into it. Breath. Cry if you need to. I assure you, the uncomfortable emotion will not be bottomless. It will pass eventually.

• 4

  Follow your passions, not your emotions. What is the difference? Your emotions are fleeting and easily influenced by superficial circumstances. Your passion is your life force, that deep internal fire that keeps you moving forward, keeps you alive, keeps you believing that life is worth living. For me, writing, photography and dance get me in touch with my passion. What is it for you? When you experience uncomfortable emotions, do not indulge those emotions with any extra attention. Instead, put your energy into those things that fill you with passion.

• 5

  Change "I am" to "I feel." Try not to say: "I am mad. I am sad. I am anxious." Instead say: "I feel mad. I feel sad. I feel anxious." This slight shift of language will help you detach from your emotions and remind you of the transitory nature of feelings.

• 6

  Get physical. Our emotions influence our physical state. When we are angry, we get clench our bodies. When we are anxious, our stomachs churn and our hearts palpitate. When we are sad, the cells in our bodies feel like wilted flowers or like heavy sinking bricks. But just as our emotions influence our physical states, our physical states can also influence our emotions. If you find yourself stuck in an uncomfortable feeling, chances are that moving your body by taking a walk, riding a bicycle, playing a sport--will improve both your physical and your emotional states.

• 7

  Notice your triggers. As you become more sophisticated at observing and detaching from your emotions, you will probably notice that certain situations trigger your uncomfortable feelings more often then others. Can you begin to pinpoint what external circumstances trigger you to feel internally angry, sad, worthless, worried or other uncomfortable emotions?

• 8

  Tell the right story. The story you create in your mind to interpret your feelings might be the most important factor in determining how your uncomfortable emotions will affect your life. If you think something like, "I am sad. Nobody else seems to be sad. There must be something wrong with me for being sad," you're setting yourself up for pain. Try instead to think, "I feel sad. Sadness is a natural part of life. Everybody feels sad in life."

• 9

  Be kind to yourself. Life is difficult. We all feel many uncomfortable emotions throughout the course of a day. Remember this, and don't make life any more difficult by beating yourself up for your "bad" feelings.