Women's Midlife Transitions
Everyone has seen the movies where a man going through a midlife transition buys an expensive sports car or dumps a long-term partner for a younger and sexier woman. There aren't as many movies for women in the midst of a midlife transition. Instead of dramatic displays, most will mine their souls in a deep search for meaning. Some may dust off youthful dreams and forge ahead in new adventures. Along the way, they must redefine what it means to be at the midpoint of life.
Looking Back
Midlife transitions typically occur between the ages of 38 and 55. It can feel like “an avalanche of confusion and emotional upheaval,” said Rebecca Conkling, a pyschotherapist based in White Plains, New York. “The whole bedrock of the past 25 years comes into question,” she said.
Midlife transitions also make women aware they are in the second half of their lives.
“(It) brings on thoughts about your own mortality in a real way,” said Heather Hewett, associate professor of English and women’s studies at the State University of New York, New Paltz. “You start to search for a deeper meaning. It brings about renewed questions about the choices you have made, and do you want to make a better contribution.”
Men and women both tend to share these thoughts, but “men have been raised to view their worth as a person based on what they accomplished," said Deborah Carr, a sociology professor at Rutgers University in New Jersey. "For women, the question is ‘how have I been happy?’ "
Learning from Others
The experts say the best teachers are other women who have gone through this transition.
“Go to the library. Read the stories of other women who have undergone successful career and midlife transitions,” said Heather Hewett, associate professor of English and women’s studies at State University of New York, New Paltz. She also recommends the book "Working Identity: Unconventional Strategies for Reinventing Your Career" by Herminia Ibarra.
“When you read the stories and the analysis, you’ll start to see yourself in certain places and not in others,” she said.
Deborah Carr, sociology professor at Rutgers University, recommends seeking advice from others who have been there and done that. She also says you need to have realistic expectations of new ventures.
All of the experts say having a supportive partner and family is important. However, so are outsiders who can help you objectively view your situation.
“An outside person is necessary to add some support and strength in trying to reframe the crisis and calm the waters,” said Rebecca Conkling, a psychotherapist from White Plains, New York. “It could be a therapist, a friend, a pastor or an older family member.”
Building relationships with other women will help you see the experience's universality.
“It’s a lot less scary if you’re in a community of women who can say, 'look at all your talents' and see which ones have not had the chance to grow and blossom,' ” said Deb Engle, co-founder of Tending Your Inner Garden. “When you look at it that way, it could really be invigorating. It could be the best time of your life.”
Greater Opportunities, Changed Attitudes
In the past 30 years, women have had increased access to higher education and equal participation in the workplace. They were also encouraged to be proactive about their health and physical fitness. Carr said a healthy 50-year-old woman can expect to live an additional 30 years.
“This can foster other opportunities, including going back to school and working for another 15 years," Carr said.
Some of these women are, or will soon become, empty-nesters, and they are likely to have new free time. They also tend to be concerned about how their new choices will affect their families.
“The idea of uprooting their family or leaving a job is much harder for women (than men),” Conkling said. "For men, having an affair or leaving the marriage has a more impulsive overtone than it does for women.”
That said, changing views on women’s sexuality also contributes to a more positive outlook women have of themselves at midlife.
“It used to be that a 50-year-old man would go out to find a 20-year-old bride,” Carr said. “Today, you see more older women with younger men. Women at this age are taking good care of themselves and are stylish. They’re allowed to be sexual at any age, whereas 40 years ago, they weren’t.”
Time for Themselves
Carolyn Morgan worked as a hospice nurse for more than 20 years. In 2003, she started Act Now RNs in Tucson, Arizona. It assists families caring for aging family members, which means she works with plenty of women at midlife themselves.
Morgan said she views this age range as an empowering time for women.
“We take on a lot of roles, and I think for women, a lot of times it’s about us coming into our power," she said.
In 2003, Cynthia Barnett left a successful career as a Connecticut educator, guidance counselor and school administrator to guide women in handling the midlife journey. Barnett, the author of two books, "Stop Singing the Blues" and "Prime Time Makeover: How to Make the Rest of Your Life the Best of Your Life," said she believes women at midlife need to overcome a discomfort with focusing on themselves.
"This is the time to spend in a productive way and really go back to the things they love and nurture themselves." For a woman, she says, "it’s time to go find herself and live again."
Women Helping Other Women
Some women are literally pushed into a transition by illness or divorce. Marketing executives Deb Engle and Diane Glass had worked together in the 1980s at the "Des Moines Register." When they reconnected in 2000, Glass was undergoing breast cancer treatment. She said that while she felt her job at the paper supported her financially, it did not support her physical and emotional well-being. Engle, who had been divorced for 16 years, had remarried and realized her dream of publishing a book.
“We had gone through a lot of upheaval, and thought a lot of women were going through this as well,” Engle said.
In 2002, they put their thoughts and experiences into a program to help women in transition. The result was Tending Your Inner Garden, a yearlong program of spirituality-based workshops, dinners and discussions focused on finding a purpose in life. They also offer a kit on how to start a local TYIG group, which is available for $49. As of 2012, there are groups throughout the United States, Canada and Singapore.
“We have been trained to look for a blueprint to follow in life,” Engle said. “Now there is a void. For a lot of women, (midlife is) the first time in a long time they have had to focus on themselves and think about what they want to do next.”
Small Changes Are Powerful Too
Morgan said she thinks the uncertain economy may propel more women to try a new venture during midlife. Hewett added that this new venture doesn't need to be something drastic -- just a subtle change toward a more meaningful life. Such fulfillment can be found in volunteering or rediscovering a creative outlet that was set aside so women could devote time to a family or career.
Even a change in perspective can result in great satisfaction.
“Our country, in its greatest form, is about self-fulfillment," Hewett said. "A midlife crisis might take the form of gratitude or appreciation for a job, adjusting expectations and finding greater meaning elsewhere."