Why You Should Let Things Slide
Who’s happier — working moms or stay-at-home moms? The answer is debatable, but a recent study shed some light on what working mothers are up against. Authored by Katrina Leupp, a doctoral student of sociology at the University of Washington, the study showed that mothers who believe they can balance work and home life with ease hold higher risks for depressive symptoms than their more skeptical female counterparts.
Leupp analyzed information provided by 1,600 women, some of whom were stay-at-home mothers and some working mothers. The U.S. Department of Labor collected the data as part of its National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1979. The women's ages ranged from 14 to 24 at the study’s beginning. Each person participating in the ongoing study was at least 40 years old by the time Leupp conducted her analysis.
Participants were asked to what extent they agreed or disagreed with statements about women’s place in society and about working married women’s employment. For example, one statement asserted, "It is much better for everyone concerned if the man is the achiever outside the home and the woman takes care of home and family." Another said, "Women are much happier if they stay at home and take care of their children."
By age 40, women who were employed were significantly less likely to experience depressive symptoms, such as sadness, sleep problems, trouble getting going in the morning and difficulty concentrating. Women who were the most skeptical about the ability to balance work and home life with relative ease showed fewer depressive symptoms than women who were not.
"Many studies have shown that employment boosts women’s mental health," Leupp said. "I was interested in how women’s attitudes about employment and raising families influenced depression."
Leupp expressed the silver lining in a news release: "You can happily combine child-rearing and a career, if you're willing to let some things slide."
Emotional Smoke Alarms
Symptoms of depression are like emotional smoke alarms, said Jan Harrell, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of "Love Again: Creating Relationships Without Blame."
"If we do not pay attention to a smoke alarm, eventually the smoldering turns into fire and a fire alarm will go off," Harrell said. "If we do not attend to them, the fire gets hotter and the symptoms get worse ... until they get our attention and we take appropriate action."
While occasional fatigue, sadness or memory lapses are common and typically not cause for alarm, frequent symptoms are worth addressing.
"The 'supermom' standard is an attempt to avoid that helplessness and loss," Harrell said. "It says, 'If I am a supermom, then I'll be able to avoid pain.' But if we, in our attempt to avoid pain, set up the illusion that it is possible for us to achieve the ideal in everything we do, we are setting ourselves up for trouble. Depression is the emotional alarm that lets us know something is wrong in the way we are trying to do life."
Failure to address your personal "alarms" can detract from more than your personal emotional well-being: A 2006 study suggests that it can affect parenting, too. The results of the study, which involved 101 mothers of infants, were published in the "Archives of Women's Mental Health." The authors of the study found a significant link between symptoms of postnatal depression and a lower quality of mother-infant bonding.
Symptoms of depression may also interfere with spousal relationships, friendships, physical health and work capabilities.
Overcoming Perfectionism
Embracing more positive attitudes about yourself and the work you do — whether at work or home — provides a positive model so that your children don't face similar challenges in adulthood.
The first step in moving beyond perfectionism and toward more healthy goals, according to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, is realizing that perfectionism is undesirable and an unattainable illusion.
Next, take steps to alter any self-defeating behaviors and thought, including:
Set realistic goals based on your needs, desires and previous accomplishments. This allows you to meet your goals while enhancing your sense of self-esteem.
Choose an activity you normally put 100 percent of your effort into and apply 60, 75 or 90 percent of your effort instead. Doing so helps you recognize that life goes on even when you aren't perfect.
Stay focused on the process of activities rather than the result. This boosts enjoyment while minimizing anxiety or stress regarding the specific outcome.
Confront your fears by asking what you are afraid of. What's the worst that could happen?
Recognize that mistakes often make way for positivity and learning. Rather than berate yourself for errors or flaws, ask yourself what you may learn.
And, as Leupp suggests, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Negotiating Trade-Offs
"It is hard to balance the competing needs we have as women — the maternal, the external desire for self-expression, the need to provide or help to provide for our family's well-being," Harrell said. "Any one of these needs could be a full-time job that takes our full effort and attention. So trying to do more than one means that we need to compromise."
Women account for 46 percent of the workforce in the United States, according to the "College Times," and more than 9 million companies are owned by women. A whopping 71 percent of women in the American workforce have children.
For "super moms" who hold themselves up to lofty standards, depressive symptoms are often associated with guilt, Leupp said. "Feeling like it’s perfectly acceptable for you to need help and then ask for help is important."
One reason working moms might exhibit better mental health compared with stay-at-home moms, Leupp said, is the fact they get breaks from home life. Job fulfillment also plays a role. Seeking occasional respite and engaging in activities you find personally gratifying can make it easier to let home and work stress slide.
Caroline Johnson, a former stay-at-home mom who raised five children while doing so, also taught community education classes.
"I made some money, but that wasn't my main motivation," she said. "I wanted to be around adults!"
If personal time is difficult to come by, make the most of what you have. Even small increments during children's nap times or breaks between office meetings can make a difference.
An Attitude Shift
Self-help books and web articles on overcoming perfectionism, depressive symptoms and stress are available in abundance. While these materials may help in the short term, addressing your underlying assumptions matters most.
"I think it is important for people to look at their assumptions and meditate on them with every breath," Harrell said. "On the in-breath, gather yourself up and remind yourself that 'I can only be who I am and take the step that is in front of me. And that is enough.' On the out-breath, release everything that does not belong to you: judgment, fear, anxiety, expectations."
Although society as a whole has become increasingly accepting of women's employment, women continue to do the bulk of household chores, a scenario associated with higher rates of depression. It's important to create a system of teamwork with your spouse or other family members and shift your views to accept such teamwork.
Viewing work stress in an alternative way may also help alleviate "super mom" stress.
"We know that the U.S. does not have particularly family-friendly policies regarding employees who are raising small children," Leupp said. "I think that if people recognize that, specifically women, maybe leaning away from things if they don’t go well, can help. Recognizing that this feels difficult, because it is. This isn’t hard because I can’t do it. It’s hard for everyone.”