How to Keep Negative Actions of Others from Affecting Me

Psychoanalysis suggests that the most effective protection any individual has against other people's negative actions lies within the self. The "object relations" school of psychoanalysis holds that beyond conscious awareness, people remain in continual relationship with internalized figures, or "objects," based on real early relationships with the aspects of other people. Good inner figures act as sources of courage, comfort, humor and strength, while bad inner figures function as sources of fear, hopelessness, persecution and dejection. To stop other people causing offense or distress, these bad inner objects need confronting.

Instructions

• 1

  Work from the inside out. This doesn't mean passively submitting to someone else's negative behavior; it means identifying the emotional "weak spots" through which the negative actions of others can get into the self. From an object relations point of view, unmodified "bad" inner objects create emotional vulnerabilities by exaggerating the effects of other people's negative behavior. The psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn argues that, in extreme cases, bad internal objects trap people within a sealed psychological belief system which prevents much-needed support and friendship from getting through to the beleaguered ego or "I."

• 2

  Create a daily "self-reflection zone," preferably in a peaceful, relaxing setting. Use it to review the most powerful experiences of the day. Neuroscientists and psychoanalysts agree that conscious feelings are end products, not starting points. They get actively created, albeit at exceptionally rapid speeds. By the time Person A has felt upset over something Person B has said or done, a series of decisions, exclusions and emphases have taken place in the mind to create the sense of distress or anger. Target these inner actions by slowing them down and breaking them into steps during the self-reflection time. Surprising results can emerge.

• 3

  Take responsibility for personal feelings. In the original German, Freud advocated "Wo es war, soll ich werden." The psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan translated this as "Where 'it' was, there 'I' shall become." This phrase fully "subjectifies" emotional states, converting them from passive happenings into active decisions. A person's feelings and thoughts are his creations, irrespective of what someone else might have done to prompt them. When embraced, the phrase helps restore agency and autonomy. Instead of passive victimhood, "it happened to me," a person who practices this principle takes a much more active stance toward his emotional responses to others' negative actions.

• 4

  Remember that other people's negative actions don't in themselves create specific emotional responses, even though they may trigger them. Person A may act in an arrogantly condescending way toward persons B, C and D, for example, but each may well experience entirely different emotional responses. Someone who feels deeply humiliated rather than, say, transiently angry, may already have a "bad internal object" in her mind which actively absorbs belittling experiences. Psychoanalyst Jeffrey Seinfeld likens internal objects to mental receptors -- good objects receive comforting, supportive experiences, while bad objects block the good receptors and absorb humiliating and hurtful experiences instead.

• 5

  Separate the actions of other people from the power of self-beliefs and confront doom-laden scenarios with positive thinking. If someone's negative action sets off a flurry of destructive thoughts, such as "I'm a loser," "I deserved that, "or "I'm such a weakling," interrupt them -- they lead only to dead ends. Even when a person commits an error, negative reactions from others, such as incivility, mockery or intimidation, are neither inevitable nor rational. Use errors as positive learning experiences -- few people learn new skills or even practice solidly acquired ones without slip ups. Take pride in personal resilience when another person's negativity fails to intimate or humiliate.