How to Spot Emotional Manipulators

Emotional manipulation comes in many forms, and the most damaging tactics are often difficult to recognize. Many people naturally assume that others mean well, so they rationalize odd or distressing behaviors from those they care about. If you suspect manipulation from someone, trust yourself. Long-term exposure to emotional manipulation can cause severe anxiety and depression, so it's important that you explore the possibility and create boundaries to protect yourself if needed. Keen observation and self-awareness will guide you.

Instructions

• 1

  Observe your feelings when you're in this person's presence, and compare them to the feelings you experience around others. If you feel uneasy, defensive, confused or anxious around him -- with or without concrete reason -- it's possible that he routinely uses manipulative tactics against you.

• 2

  Observe the effect she has on others in a group setting. Some emotional manipulators frequently make themselves the center of attention by moping, complaining or regarding themselves as victims to elicit guilt or sympathy from everyone else. Conversely, emotional and physical abusers might be cheerful and friendly in group settings but act harshly in private.

• 3

  Keep notes of the conversations you have with him. Some manipulators deny statements they made and insist that you said something you didn't. They may do this with important matters as well as trivial ones, which can cause self-doubt. Keeping notes also helps you identify patterns and tactics manipulators use in conversation.

• 4

  Note the person's typical response to your ideas, complaints, suggestions and everyday chat. Emotional manipulators might criticize or make fun of your ideas, decisions and character more often than not. They might outdo or "one-up" your bad days and express nothing but jealousy when you have good ones.

• 5

  Address a problem in your relationship or point out that you were upset by something he said or did. See if he accepts responsibility for his part and shows concern for your feelings, or if he blames you for the problem and for his actions. He might also accuse you of being too sensitive, petty or demanding.

• 6

  Note discrepancies between her speech and actions. She might seem agreeable in conversation but express displeasure nonverbally. For example, she says she'd love to see a movie with you, but she sighs, slumps and acts like she'd rather be elsewhere when you go.

• 7

  Reflect on the number of times you rationalized odd behaviors from this person, and consider whether you feel "crazy" when you spend time with him. Manipulators who "gaslight" their victims slowly chip away at their sense of normalcy and reality. Some will routinely hide or move a few of your belongings but deny seeing or touching them.

• 8

  Listen closely to mutual friends, family or co-workers when they mention the person. You might hear untrue stories from them about something you said or did, because manipulators sometimes use others to alienate their victims.

• 9

  Compare your current self to the person you once were if you're in a long-term relationship with this person. Look for major changes in self-esteem, long-term goals, overall mood, everyday routines and relationships with friends and family. Victims of manipulation may lose faith in themselves, suffer emotional disturbances, focus their thoughts and routines on the manipulator and withdraw from others.