How to Stay in Control When Upset

Instinctively, you want to lash out -- yell, throw something, kick something -- when you feel angry. However, doing so is not always appropriate and may only exacerbate your situation. Somehow, though, your anger must be addressed and expressed, as suppressed anger will eventually manifest itself whether as passive aggression, cynicism, hostility or in health conditions like high blood pressure, hypertension or depression. Staying in control of how and where your anger is directed can strengthen your interpersonal relationships as well as your physical and emotional health.

Instructions

• 1

  Practice catching on to your angry feelings quickly and immediately. The more quickly you can identify when you are about to respond in anger, the more effectively your interactions can continue. Signs may include your face growing hot, your throat tightening, your breath quickening or your voice rising.

• 2

  Realize the consequences of losing your cool at that moment -- for yourself, for the person you're dealing with, and for the people around you. If you say something cruel in the middle of an argument, for instance, you'll never be able to take it back and that can cause irreparable damage to a relationship or opportunity.

• 3

  Focus intently on relaxing. Try breathing deeply from your diaphragm rather than from your chest; counting to 10; visualizing a soothing, relaxing setting; or silently repeating a mental mantra such as "Take it easy." Practice the approaches each day, anytime you catch yourself feeling stressed or upset, so that they're second nature by the time your really need them. Experiment, try different approaches, figure out what techniques work best for you and stick with them.

• 4

  Apply logic and reason to outweigh any looming irrationality. Remind yourself that your anger is not going to resolve your problem or make you feel any better.

• 5

  Figure out what's really upsetting you. Hearing the criticism that you're always late for work may have set your anger mechanisms in motion, but maybe what's really irking you is feeling unappreciated for all the things you do well in the office. Ask yourself what you really want and need, and what would really allow you to walk away from this situation feeling better. Consider what aspects of the problem you are responsible for yourself.

• 6

  Shift your thinking to a plan for solving the problem at hand, even if the solution is as simple as committing to maintaining a calm, steady voice. Attack the problem and not the person with whom you're speaking. Listen to what's good and useful in what's being said, even if it's critical.

• 7

  Think before speaking. Use conversational silence to check yourself and your thoughts before sharing them, to avoid saying something you'll regret in the heat and intensity of the moment. Don't blurt things out while you're still fairly primed for anger.

• 8

  Seek a change of scenery, if necessary. If you do feel a need to step away to collect yourself, listen to soft music, do some yoga or meditate -- any activity deliberately aimed at calming your spirit.

• 9

  Act upon, or express your thoughts and feelings only once you're calmed.