Principles of Managing Conflict

Whether you're in a relationship, manage a company or care for children for a living, conflict is inevitable. It's essential to know how to manage these conflicts properly so that each party involved feels respected and heard. It also ensures that the situation is resolved in a timely and appropriate manner.

Don't Use Email or Text Messages

• When you're getting to the bottom of a conflict between co-workers, it's best to talk with all involved parties in person or over the phone. Hearing the inflections in someone's voice and observing their body language gives you a much clearer picture of each person's concerns and true feelings about the situation. For instance, two of your employees are complaining that the other has not pulled their weight on a large company project. Call both of them into your office to talk it out. This gives each person the chance to open up about the circumstance as you mediate. One employee may reveal that he was unable to attend project meetings due to an illness in the family, while the other shares that pressing personal matters kept her from completing assignments related to the project. If the employees send emails or texts back and forth, they may likely become offended and even more frustrated as these means of communication are distant and impersonal. Messages without proper punctuation can easily be misinterpreted.

Take Time to Analyze

• Before attempting to manage a conflict, take some time to think about the disagreement in its entirety before responding. Ask yourself why you're angry, and write down details if you have to so you can channel your emotions properly when talking to the other person involved. Consider what you want as a result of solving the conflict. This helps you to speak to the other parties involved in the conflict with the proper amount of firmness and respect. For instance, talk to your best friend about her tendency to "dump" her problems on you without considering whether you have time to listen exactly when she wants to talk. Cite a recent example. For example, two weeks ago when you were working late in the office, she called to discuss her frustration about her own job when you didn't have time to talk, so she left an irritated voicemail message. Explain that you'd like her to be more understanding, that you want to be supportive and hope that this conversation results in the two of you understanding each other better.

Avoid Blame

• While it may be difficult, refrain from placing blame on others when you're attempting to resolve a conflict. This only makes the other person defensive and makes it difficult or nearly impossible to come to a sound conclusion. To manage a conflict with your husband about housework, a wife should own her emotions and start her sentences with phrases like "I feel as though ... ." This approach, instead of statements like "You're so lazy" or "You don't consider my feelings or schedule" takes the accusation out of the conflict and opens your spouse's ear for an honest dialogue on how you can work together to make sure you both feel appreciated and supported.

Be Specific and Encourage Solutions

• When people are angry due to a conflict, it can be difficult to speak specifically about the situation at hand, so it is better to wait until the anger subsides. Direct assertiveness helps manage the conflict and gives everyone involved a clear picture of how to take steps toward a resolution. If your children are at odds with each other, encourage them to write down the reasons they're angry and then have them trade papers. This makes the children each think about the present conflict and properly articulate their feelings associated with the circumstance. For instance, if your children are frustrated that one keeps borrowing the other's clothes without asking, this exercise could reveal that the younger siblings feels that her sister is selfish, while the older sister may feel her sibling is inconsiderate. Offer a solution by explaining to the younger child that it's important to respect her sister's property, while explaining to the other that the one "borrowing clothes" is really her sibling's way of establishing a connection with her. Then, allow the two to come up with resolutions together, such as going on weekend shopping trips together to establish bonding.