12 Step Program for the Recovery of Self Esteem

Self esteem is one of those difficult areas in personal development. On one hand, we are taught to be modest, accommodating and polite; but on the other hand we are expected to stand up for ourselves, to maintain a position on important issues, to solve problems and show competency. Sometimes the conflict between various social expectations can be overwhelming. In our confusion, we blame ourselves and lose confidence that we can meet our own expectations and those of others.

Things You'll Need

• Notebook
• Pen
• Five minutes of quiet time daily

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Instructions

• 1

  Decide what is important to you. Everyone you know wants something--your children, your boss, your spouse, your parents--and rarely do they all want the same thing. Each of them has a perception of who you are and how you should behave. Spend some time listing the things you value. They may be quite different from the expectations of others. Find a time of day when you can have five minutes to yourself. Make a list of the things that are important to you, regardless of whether they are important to others.

• 2

  Pick three things from your list that you believe would improve your self esteem if you could achieve them. Make a list in your notebook of things that would need to happen in order for you to obtain these things. This is a brainstorming session, so logic and possibility are not important. Just pull out the stops, and dream; write it all down so you will not forget your ideas.

• 3

  Develop a set of achievable goals, using your daydream list as a springboard for action. Each goal should depend on things you know you can do with no more than moderate difficulty, and should not depend on responses or opinions from others. It is possible to set a goal of applying for five jobs each day till you get one; it is possible to promise yourself you will turn in all your homework; and it is very possible to behave responsibly toward those you love. Being hired depends upon a decision made by someone else, having others love you depends upon their personal responses to you, therefore you cannot control those responses. Write your personal, actionable goals in your notebook.

• 4

  Keep track of your success in your notebook. Forgive yourself if you do not achieve your goals. Not every day or even every year goes the way we hope. Examine why the goal was not achieved. Was it a bad decision on your part? Could it have been changed? Or were you affected by circumstance beyond your control? Treat yourself to a few minutes alone to give into the feelings of disappointment, hurt or anger that may have come from not arriving where you had intended. Then, dry your tears and dust yourself off. If it was important to you, then look for ways to try again. Write down what happened, why you think it happened and what you can do to avoid repeating the problem.

• 5

  Congratulate yourself on small successes. Maybe you didn't get that novel published, but your account of the local basketball game was placed in the newspaper. Maybe the guy of your dreams didn't ask you out, but you got up courage enough to have a girl's night out on your own. Value the little victories. Tuck mementos, photographs and other pleasant reminders in your notebook. Use them as little boosts to help you over the rough spots.

• 6

  Re-evaluate your goals often. People change and grow. The goals that were suitable for a recent high school graduate may not work for a college graduate. The economy may have changed, life circumstances may have changed, the major that seemed so attractive at age 18 may not be as appealing at 24. Keeping a record of your hopes, dreams and achievements enables you to adjust directions, as needed.

• 7

  Accept your physique. Treat your body well. Give it healthy food, productive and fun exercise and plenty of sleep. Consult a reliable physician if you are not feeling well. Don't be afraid to question a treatment if it doesn't seem to be working out as planned, but be sure to ask your physician before making changes. Don't fret if your size, height, hair or whatever doesn't conform to current fashion standards. Do strive to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Again, keep records.

• 8

  Live within your budget. Having charge accounts, borrowing for school or to make major purchases are fine; even the occasional shopping spree isn't horrible. But large charge card balances or other financial commitments you are unable to pay takes a big bite out of your personal esteem. If you find yourself in this unenviable situation, list your bills; list your income; then work out ways you can correct the problem.

• 9

  Be honest with yourself and with others. Nothing whittles away at self esteem than having to maintain a facade that isn't really you. Even little lies catch up with us eventually. Writing down your personal analysis of a situation in a place that is meant only to be shared with yourself can sometimes clarify a problem or even prevent it.

• 10

  Be kind. Even when you don't admire a person or find her company unpleasant; find something nice to say, greet her pleasantly, treat her with the same consideration you would give to people you like. Be as polite and considerate of friends and family as you are customers or business associates. Although family may be where you can blow off steam, try to do it in a way that does not hurt your loved ones' feelings.

• 11

  Check your goals, check your progress. Are your old goals still important? Have you achieved some of them? Give yourself a big pat on the back if this is true! Don't be afraid to throw away goals you've outgrown. Make a list of those little victories, the goals you have achieved.

• 12

  Allow yourself to enjoy life. Look for the little things, for those quiet moments of beauty. If nothing around you is beautiful or happy, search within yourself for memories or even make up a place that is lovely. Dream over the mementos in your personal notebook. Let yourself rest in that place or memory for a moment before moving on to your daily round. Love yourself, with all the wrinkles, blemishes and imperfections as well as talents, skills and good traits that you possess. Let that love flow outward to others, helping you to be cheerful about your duties and joyous in happy times. Do not be afraid to accept compliments, encouragement or sympathy from others. That is their way of reaching out.