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Counseling Techniques for Bullies

Counseling bullies involves a certain degree of gamesmanship. No matter how orchestrated the attempt, the counselor must never succumb to either intimidation or charm. People turn into bullies through a variety of pathways, but the desire to dominate and the fear of powerlessness constitute the two opposing poles of what we might call the bullying continuum. Good humor, patience and genuine warmth on the part of the counselor are vital, but a tough refusal to submit to intimation is indispensable.

  1. Identifying the Bullying Continuum

    • Bullies live in a precarious world, no matter how invincible they may wish others to see them. They frequently mistake false compliance for the true fellowship and companionship they often secretly need. Yet, if a bigger bully enters the scene, their brittle status can collapse instantly. Bullies need wise counsel every bit as much as their victims do. The techniques required differ, depending upon the form of bullying they have adopted. Kindness and patience may help the fear-motivated bully, but they may deepen the sadism of the malicious aggressor.

    Fear-based Bullying

    • Patient forbearance benefits the fear-motivated bully, but psychoanalyst Neville Symington warns that a more malicious aggressor will frequently induce collusion, disbelief or condemnation in anyone who tries to help him. Beginning with the fear-motivated group, the early phase of counseling should aim to establish an emotionally "containing" environment. According to the psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion, this involves a readiness to receive and bear feelings the patient can't tolerate. Counselors should scrutinize the emotions they find evoked in them. Bion argues that frightened feelings can be forced into other people by means of intimidating conduct. By bearing fear without submission or retaliation, the counselor models a new way forward.

    Emotional Containment

    • Bullying based on fear requires tolerance and patience on the part of the counselor; you might need to absorb insults, mockery and put-downs without retaliation or censure. Focus on understanding and "holding" the bully's expelled feelings at this stage. Let yourself stay in the role the patient casts you in as she dramatizes her core conflict. When sufficient trust develops, explain that you can see she feels she has to do the scaring until she knows she can trust you not to scare her. Such a response helps foster insight based on your capacity to bear the pain the bully normally flees from addressing.

    Malicious Bullying: Surviving Sadism Without Retaliation or Collapse

    • With bullying based on malicious enjoyment, the counselor's patience and kindness gets rapidly interpreted as contemptible gullibility. Don't compromise. You'll need to challenge the sadism by steadfastly refusing to play the masochist; calm, neutrally voiced responses are effective. You must survive sadistic attacks with your kindness, integrity and dignity intact. Your strength here models a non-sadistic form of robustness that the bully should observe.

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