Self-Talk Strategies for Anger Management

Mark Twain said, "When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear." Jokes apart, how does one manage this unproductive and self-destructive emotion? With practice, it is possible to change the way one responds to a provocation. By choosing not to lose control, you will strengthen your tolerance level and walk away stress-free.

Breathe Deeply to Calm Down

• Have you noticed how when you are agitated, irritated or angry, your breath becomes shallow. Your breathing also accelerates. Regardless of what has made you angry at a given moment, pause for a second. Remind yourself to breathe slowly and deeply. Just focus on the air coming in and going out of your nostrils. You can repeat in your mind: "Deeper, calmer, deeper, calmer."

  Feel your body beginning to relax. Your neck is releasing stress. Your shoulders are becoming less tight. And your facial expression is getting softer. Repeat mentally: "It's okay. It's really not that bad." This simple exercise of breathing and visualizing will help take the raw edge off your anger.

Acknowledge Your Anger

• The next step is to acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. Before you rationalize or manage your anger, give yourself permission to experience this emotion. Person X has made you angry. Perhaps situation Y has made you angry. Continue to breathe deeply and slowly. Say to yourself, "Alright. This has made me angry." When you truly become aware of your anger, observe it for a moment. You will realize that it is an unpleasant, self-destructive emotion. Repeat to yourself, "I am going to let go of my anger."

Rationalize

• Ask yourself why you are angry. Because a driver cut sharply in front of your car? Is it because someone said something hurtful or insulting to you? Perhaps someone is angry and shouting at you? In either of these situations, tell yourself that you are not responsible for the way other people behave. You cannot control their actions. However, you can control your reactions.

  You might feel that the driver of that red Porsche shouldn't have cut in front of you. Perhaps your boss shouldn't have insulted you, or your friend shouldn't have hurt your feelings. Focus on the word shouldn't. The more you hold on to it, the angrier you will become. Instead, lead your mind gently--yet firmly--toward restraint and tolerance.

  In "Destructive Emotions: How Can We Overcome Them?" by Matthieu Ricard, a scholar and a monk, he states, "What is anger? When you look from a distance at a large summer cloud, it seems so massive that one could sit on it. Yet, if one goes into it, there is nothing to grasp, nothing but steam and wind." Visualize your anger as a big, black cloud. Tell yourself, "It's just steam and wind."

Break The Negative Thought Chain

• Tell yourself that you will not be deluded by your mind to react in anger.
  In his book "Mindfulness In Plain English," Bhante Henepola Gunaratana wrote: "The mind is tricky. Thought is an inherently complicated procedure. By that, we mean that we become trapped, wrapped up, and stuck in the thought chain. One thought leads to another, which leads to another, and another, and another, and so on."
  You will have to make a conscious effort to break this chain to stop becoming more and more angry. When you begin to consciously turn away from anger, you will find that it is not so difficult as one might think.

  Tolerance is a beautiful emotion. A sign of strength. The more you experience it, the less you will be controlled by your anger.