About Verbal Self Defense

Verbal self-defense is a necessary tool to have in your toolbox for optimal health. Stress is the number-one contributing factor to developing these chronic diseases: coronary heart disorders, diabetes, liver disorders and hypertension.
We may be confronted by a verbal attacker at work, in the neighborhood or at the grocery store. Learning effective methods of verbal self-defense can spare you from stress and prevent others from verbally abusing you.

Identification

• Verbal self-dense refers to any number of strategies that can be employed to handle a confrontation from a verbal attacker. A verbal attacker is someone who is very blunt and rude. She may not have the education, coping skills or communication ability to communicate in a way that is not a verbal attack. The result is that you as the listener can experience stress as you are forced to deal with the unpleasant individual who has not learned how to express herself articulately without simply attacking another person.

Features

• Verbal self-defense techniques can be learned much the way that self-assertiveness training is taught. Reading books, attending classes or workshops and learning specific methods of coping with verbal attacks is common. Role-playing is sometimes used to give the individual the visceral experience of how to effectively defuse a verbal attacker.
  For example, Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., author of "How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable," offers two examples of verbal self-dense.
  One method is called "computer mode." When a person is excessively rude and accusatory, reply in a way that is non-reactive and matter of fact. Doing so will deflate any emotion from the situation and the verbal attacker will not get what he needs: attention and a rise out of the person he attacked verbally.
  The other technique is called the "boring baroque method." This requires you to answer any rude question with a long-winded, esoteric and excessively dull reply. Doing this will essentially bore the verbal attacker and he will flee.
  See Resources below for more information on Dr. Elgin's books on verbal self-defense.

Benefits

• As Dr. Elgin points out, by effectively managing verbal attackers, we are protecting ourselves from unnecessary stress. There is nothing more unkind and unnecessary than to be on the receiving end of someone simply venting or verbally attacking us.
  Accumulated stress can contribute to disrupted sleep patterns and difficulty in concentrating. Worse, it can tempt us to simply engage in an argument with the verbal attacker. This is the worst-case scenario as it is a waste of time and energy.
  By learning and using verbal self-defense, you can preserve your dignity and still directly address the verbal attacker. Over time, this person will no longer find you an easy target for her misdirected anger.

Misconceptions

• Dr. Elgin points out that the most common misconception about verbal self-defense is that it entails responding with a slew of vicious replies. Doing that would more accurately be called "mirroring" and more likely to increase the anger, emotion and charge of the situation, rather than diffuse it and redirect it.
  Effective verbal self-defense methods should enable you to remain in control of your emotions and allow you to express yourself in a straightforward manner toward the aggressor.
  Another misconception is that verbal self-dense entails becoming a doormat for the attacker. Again, this is not so. Doing that would create more stress, as the verbal attacker would realize you are not able to fight back.

Warning

• Not addressing verbal abuse in the workplace and at home can result in allowing yourself to be exposed to considerable stress. No one enjoys being verbally harassed. Long-term exposure to stress can increase the heart rate and blood pressure, and these are primary risks for chronic diseases. If you are unable to effectively cope with verbal attackers, see your physician for guidance.