How to Talk Yourself Happy

It often seems that we have no control over our mood. How can we be content and have happiness when life is so hard and we have to struggle to just survive? How can people find joy when tragedy strikes? The answer is truly as simple as talking ourselves well. While this may seem silly, in reality we use self talk all the time. There are thoughts and beliefs and attitudes that color every situation and affect our feelings about that incident and ourselves. Much of the inner dialog can be negative and false and lead to low self concept and even depression. If this talk can lead to negativity, changing that talk can and does lead to feelings of well-being and contentment.

Instructions

Identify and Change Negative Self Talk

• 1

  Identify the original script in your head, before you can change it. Notice your reaction and beliefs around events. When an incident occurs that causes you distress, do you identify with statements like "I shouldn't have done that," "He should be nicer," "They never listen to me," "They always pick on me" or "Now I'm going to lose my job because of this"? These statements are examples of "shoulds," black and white thinking, and catastrophizing. They are based on irrational beliefs.

• 2

  Start to notice shoulds. A should can be argued by a question to yourself like "Who said?" "Where is that written?" "What does it mean to me if that should is not met?" It also might be that you just need to replace that word with another one. Instead of "I should be a better wife," you might say "I could be a better wife." The first is a judgment, the second is simply a statement.

• 3

  Identify black and white thinking. If you are using words such as "always" or "never" in your inner monologue, you are engaging in that type of thought. Ask yourself what the evidence of this is. Sometimes this is enough. If we can honestly look at history, usually we can negate the black and white thinking. You can also take out those extreme words and replace them with less negative mood inducing words such as "sometimes," once in awhile. Extremes usually are not accurate, so argue them.

• 4

  Observe your thoughts for catastrophizing thinking. If you make a mistake and you instantly go future tripping to "I'm going to lose my job," you are probably engaging in this type of thinking. While sometimes these thoughts have some truth, usually they are based on false beliefs. Therefore, ask yourself once again what the evidence of this eventuality is. Argue that bad things do happen, but they are just mistakes or inconveniences. The old adage, "This too shall pass," is very effective in soothing yourself.

Questions to Ask With Any Negative Thoughts

• 5

  Ask yourself what evidence there is to support the belief. When negativity is ingrained, you may believe your thoughts without any true reason. Usually there is little or no evidence. In reality, there is at times even evidence to suggest the opposite. This is a highly effective question with which to start any inner therapy.

• 6

  Ask yourself if you could possibly look at the situation from another angle. If someone talks to you in an irritated tone, could it be that it is not even about you? Could it be that person is having a bad day and is not handling it in the most productive way? Could it actually be that it is his problem and not yours? This type of inner dialogue is vital for mood stability.

• 7

  Consider what the absolute worst that could happen would be. Usually that is enough because the mood and anxiety is based on something that when you identify, appears irrational. Yet, if that worst is a possibility then ask yourself , "So what?" While it may be sad, inconvenient, painful, and difficult to deal with, you can remind yourself you have options. Tell yourself that it affects your circumstance, not your personhood.

• 8

  Ask yourself if this way of thinking is helping or hurting you. Is it necessary to amplify an already tough situation with your beliefs and self talk? It is okay to feel okay; self flagellation is not going to change anything except negatively impact your mood.