How to Criticize Without Being Mean

Everyone faces circumstances where they feel dissatisfied with the behavior of a loved one or acquaintance, whether it is a spouse who confuses the floor with a hamper, a friend who always runs 15 minutes late or an employee who files his reports incorrectly. Most people don't respond well to criticism, however, especially criticism phrased in a "mean" way. If you can find a way to keep your criticism kind, you have a greater chance of convincing the other person to change his behavior.

Instructions

• 1

  Compliment before you criticize. Criticism, even when well-intentioned, can make people feel defensive and angry. To stave off defensiveness, use the "hamburger method" for presenting criticism. Point out something the person does well or that you like before presenting your suggestion for improvement. Then follow the criticism with another positive comment.

• 2

  Make suggestions rather than giving orders. Say "consider trying" or "you might think about" rather than "you need to." When you suggest rather than order, it comes across as an idea the person can use to improve rather than a critical comment that will make him feel defensive. People have an easier time listening to criticism if they have the freedom to agree or disagree with you.

• 3

  Use positive body language and tone of voice. The way you say something communicates at least as much as your words, claims business consultant Barton Goldsmith. Make sure your tone sounds pleasant rather than irritated. Smile while speaking. Give the person you critique your full attention and maintain good eye contact as this conveys your sincerity.

• 4

  Keep your criticism specific. Vaguely describing something as "poorly done" or saying you "didn't like it" leaves the person you criticize with no idea of how to improve and may hurt her feelings. Instead, clearly state exactly what aspect of a behavior or action you feel needs improvement or what you would like to see happen. If your child dawdles with picking up his toys, don't say "you never listen." Say "please pick up your toys the first time I ask."

• 5

  Limit criticism to things that can be changed. Fashion reporter Debra Bass points out that if someone arrives at a party "looking like an '80s nightmare" criticizing her outfit would be unkind as it is too late for her to change. Gentle criticism should help someone improve. If the person has no control over the problem or can't fix it, avoid saying anything at all.