How to Reduce the Likelihood of Returning to Your Abuser

Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, but staying away can be even more challenging. Luckily, there are many ways to decrease the likelihood of returning to an abusive situation.

Instructions

• 1

  Forgive yourself. It's perfectly natural to feel compelled to return to your partner, regardless of how abusive the situation may have been. It's completely expected that you will miss your partner, often intensely, or feel deeply insecure without him. Allow yourself to feel these feelings and have compassion on yourself as you move through these difficult feelings.

• 2

  Reading self-help books can improve your knowledge of the cycle of abuse.

  Educate yourself. Read books about the cycle of abuse and about abusive relationships. Check out the self-help section at your local library for books about breaking the cycle of codependency and understanding the dynamics in abusive relationships. The more you know about your experience, the more equipped you will be to remain far away from your former partner.

• 3

  Improve your self-esteem. The more you value yourself, the less likely you will be to put yourself back into a potentially dangerous situation. Learn ways to increase your sense of self-worth, whether through a self-esteem program, self-help books, spiritual exploration, or traditional psychotherapy.

• 4

  Keeping his number around will only keep the energetic bond open.

  Lose his number. Get a new phone for your brand new start and be sure his number is not on it! By keeping a way to get in touch with him if you choose to, you are sustaining the energetic thread that connects you to him.

• 5

  Throw out his old clothes, pictures, gifts, and other reminders of your partner.

  Erase reminders of your partner. This includes old photographs, letters, e-mails, and gifts. You want to be able to move forward, not dwell in the past. Throw out those old boxes of his clothing, or donate them to charity. You don't want any traces of your abusive partner in your current living space. Sometimes, a partner's energy is still so present, that it makes more sense to move. Decide if this makes sense for you.

• 6

  Remind yourself every single day (and several times a day) why you left your partner in the first place. As time wears on and you begin to miss your partner, you may become nostalgic. You may begin to focus on all the pleasant memories you created with your partner (if there were any), instead of all the reasons why the relationship was toxic.

• 7

  Maintain a long-term focus. Leaving your abusive relationship was not a whim or a flight of fancy. It was an investment in your long-term health and well being, a life-changing and lifelong decision. It won't be easy. It may in fact be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. But by remembering that this is a lifetime investment, you can be more patient with yourself in the present.

• 8

  Take it day by day. The idea of living without your abuser may seem daunting at first, and you may believe you are incapable of ever living your life without him. Instead of focusing on being without him for your life, focus on just getting through today, and then tomorrow, and the day after.

• 9

  Jumping into a new relationship after having just left an abusive one is a recipe for disaster

  Remain unattached. If the only way you've ever felt secure is within the context of a relationship, being single can be very challenging. But jumping into a new relationship after having just left an abusive one is a recipe for disaster. Not only do you not have the time to heal and to process the abuse you endured, but you are even more likely to attract another abuser. Give yourself the gift of being single for at least a year following an abusive relationship.

• 10

  Be patient with yourself. Enormous change does not occur overnight. You will not wake up tomorrow and feel completely secure or liberated from your abusive relationship. You may have been with your batterer for years, or even decades, so don't expect immediate results. Have patience and remember that the most lasting change occurs gradually over time.

• 11

  Find a therapist. A skilled professional can help you to process the difficult feelings you will encounter as a result of leaving an abusive relationship. He or she can also help you to strengthen your resolve against returning to the abusive partner.

• 12

  Celebrate the time that you have been free from your abusive relationship.

  Celebrate milestones. Whether it's been ten years or ten days since you left your abuser, it is an immense triumph. Acknowledge the strength, determination and courage it took for you to make it that far. You can celebrate a milestone with friends and loved ones, or simply write about it in your journal. Celebrating milestones will give you a sense of accomplishment and will reinforce your decision to leave your abuser and make it a lifelong decision.

• 13

  Cultivate new friendships.

  Surround yourself with friends. If you have been in an abusive relationship for awhile, chances are you haven't had much time to bond with other people. Because abusers often intentionally isolate their partners from friends and family members, you may find yourself alone with few people to turn to. Strengthen existing friendships and initiate new ones to ensure that you will not feel lonely and that someone will always be there when you begin to feel vulnerable.

• 14

  Join a support group for survivors of domestic violence. Being around other women who have experienced intimate partner violence will remind you that you are not alone, and will allow you to draw strength from the experiences of others. A support group will give you many tools for remaining free from your abuser.

• 15

  Don't believe your ex-partner's promises to change.

  Reject his attempts to reconcile. At some point, your partner may attempt to "win" you back with gifts, money, tokens of affection, or promises to change. Don't believe them.